Steps to go from Helicopter Mom to Mojo Mom

When I started writing as Mojo Mom, I was focused intently on new mothers’ identities. Now that my daughter is older, I can see how Mojo Mom issues really get entwined with raising older kids–do we let our egos get entangled up with our children’s identities and accomplishments? If we lose ourselves in motherhood, what happens when our kids grow up and leave the nest–will we be faced with yet another identity crisis?

The idea of “helicopter parenting” came originally from college admissions officers who saw that parents were “hovering” and micromanaging their young adult offsprings’ lives to an intense degree–butting their noses into what used to be interactions between the college and the students without the parents’ involvement. Deans are getting calls from parents about their students’ grades, and parents are even worming their way into the job interview process, to the dismay of prospective employers. Now the anecdotal label of “helicopter parents” is being studied by psychologists for the first time, and the early results are not pretty. The bottom line as reported by MSNBC.com: “‘Helicopter’ parents have neurotic kids.”

Students with helicopter parents tended to be less open to new ideas and actions, as well as more vulnerable, anxious and self-consciousness, among other factors, compared with their counterparts with more distant parents.

“We have a person who is dependent, who is vulnerable, who is self-conscious, who is anxious, who is impulsive, not open to new actions or ideas; is that going to make a successful college student?” [researcher Neil] Montgomery said. “No, not exactly, it’s really a horrible story at the end of the day.”

About ten percent of college students surveyed had helicopter parents, girls much more so than boys: 13% of females versus 5% of males. Mothers were mainly the ones hovering.

Looking back at college orientation, I am grateful that my Mom left as soon as the car was emptied and the new Macintosh was unpacked. I remember wanting her to stay a little longer, but she found the just right time to go, when it was time, even though I didn’t realize it yet.

It’s much easier to see hovering in other people than to admit it ourselves, but I can already start to see a glimmer of how hard it will be when my daughter grows up and leaves the nest. That’s a big reason that I wanted to create Courageous Parents, Confident Kids–Letting Go So You Both Can Grow, to prepare parents for these transitions by providing essential skills that many parents are never exposed to, such as how to teach your child personal safety skills, or how to gain the courage to let our kids solve their own problems, without our own fear or ego getting in the way.

So what if in your private moments you do realize and admit that you are a helicopter Mom, and that your kids are not as self-sufficient, capable, and challenged as they could be?

My advice is to start by looking at the big picture: really think about what do you want your newly launched eighteen-year old to be able to do for herself or himself?

And then build a bridge from where you are now to where you need to be, starting now and using the time you have. Maybe you have two months, maybe you have ten years before you reach the milestone of a child leaving home. The beautiful thing is that you can teach a five-year-old to wash windows with a spray bottle of water and a rag; an nine-year-old to do laundry and to walk to school by herself, a twelve-year-old to cook a family meal or to work out problems within a friendship.

If your seventeen-year-old can’t cook or do his own laundry or balance his checkbook, then you have a busy year ahead of you.

Life coach Martha Beck has written that mothers of special-needs kids are taught from a very early age to parent according to the principal “Never do for your child what he can do for himself.” She learned that lesson raising her son Adam, who has Down Syndrome, and I think that is profound advice for all parents. We address this in depth in Courageous Parents, Confident Kids, through Amy McCready’s chapter “The Power of Personal Significance for Kids of All Ages.”

Unpack your parental fear and worry, and examine them for the truly important nuggets of wisdom that may be there. If you are concerned that your teenager cannot handle a dicey dating situation, that calls for serious attention and action. Or if your child’s summer camp is not providing enough supervision, or does not address bullying, that also demands your involvement.

On the other hand, if you feel that it’s “your job” to worry about everyone, as though you are “just worrying to keep the airplane aloft,” that is a corrosive habit that creates needless chronic stress in your life. Turn down the static of constant worry and you’ll be better able to hear the clear bell of genuine concern that demands your full attention and action.

And finally, make sure you are doing enough for yourself. I know that’s easier said than done but it’s the heart of the Mojo Mom part of this prescription. Live through your own life and accomplishments rather than depending on your kids to reflect their glory back on you. In our family, that has meant not only keeping up two flexible yet demanding careers, but it’s also meant that both my husband and I have started taking music lessons of our own, while agreeing to let our daughter “retire” after creating a solid foundation of three years of piano. I found myself saying today, “I wish I had her raw talent. It makes me want to ask her, “if you don’t want to use that, can I have it?” But I will just have to settle for taking on my own modest musical ability and burnishing it to the best shine I possibly can, through a lot of practice!