Real Life strikes back

For the past month, most of the time I have felt like I am living in an alternate universe, almost like I am living someone else’s life. After a spring season of “living in my head” working hard leading up to the release of Courageous Parents, Confident Kids, “real life” got its turn at bat in a major way. In the last month I have relearned the fact that life is what happens in the hospital waiting room, the lawyer’s office, on cleaning day and moving day. I’ve gotten my head out of the blogosphere, shown up in person, and jumped in to do what needed to be done.

My Dad got sick rather unexpectedly on June 4, left his home in an ambulance, and will not go back to that house. The good news is that he made it through his health crisis and is doing much better. But it’s been a long road for all of us since then. While he was recuperating, I had to downsize his house for him–finally making decisions about many items that had been swept up in previous moves–pack, and move to a new apartment. We have made a lot of progress. Only now can I see the fresh new page turned in our lives well enough to write about it.

I don’t want to go into a long lecture about family caregiving but I will say that what I wrote about in the newest edition of Mojo Mom, and the points I make in my Top 10 Courage Boosters article have come true for me. For example: If your parents or in-laws become ill or financially vulnerable, you may end up with the responsibility of becoming their primary caregiver unless other advance arrangements are made. (Mojo Mom, p. 191) It is a real challenge to play catch-up when the whole system breaks down unexpectedly.

My parents have been divorced from each other for over 25 years, and I am the only child, so when a caregiving crisis hit, it fell pretty hard on me. Dad remarried but has been single for the past three years. But it’s strange how the echoes of a quarter century ago come back in what I think of as “Divorce, the Sequel.” Luckily, I have had incredible family support, including my Mom who is the unsung hero, walking my dog and driving my daughter around as needed, so that I could be available for Dad. My husband has been truly empathetic as well, rolling up his sleeves at home and also lending a sympathetic ear as I talk about how I have had to jettison my own work for a month, feel like I am neglecting him and our daughter, and feel frustrated that after all the work I have done, I still have a huge pile of undone tasks sitting in front of me. He has told me “you are doing a great job,” which I heartily appreciate, but I suspect part of what is hard about all this is that it is nearly impossible to do a “great job” in this situation.

The reality of it all can be harsh. A sore throat turned into ten days of bronchitis when I had to go clean out a dusty house on a deadline rather than rest in bed sick. I’ve driven over 2000 miles since June 4, often driving 120 miles a day in a loop that encompasses day camp, Dad’s old house, and back. I am a “work at home” Mom who has rarely been at home or working (on my own projects) for a month. I feel like a “stay at home daughter,” something that puts caregiving into a new light. I have been arguing for years against writers like Linda Hirshman and Leslie Bennetts who write harsh books aimed at mothers such as Get to Work…and Get a Life, Before It’s Too Late. Those books still make my blood boil because I believe they undervalue caregiving, but from my new perspective I can see that we need to craft a new caregiving system that allows people (ahem, daughters in particular) to maintain their jobs even when a family member needs more care. I don’t want to launch into a policy discussion today, but I will plant a bookmark for later. For one thing, I have learned is that a trend that hits my parents, born in the early 1940′s, hits the Baby Boomers in earnest a few years later. And we know the Boomers have not saved enough money to make this all better by waving a magic wand containing the resources needed to build a support system in their elder years.

For now, I am extremely grateful that my Dad is doing well. I am trying to focus on his strengths and how lucky we are that we are getting through this. I am equally grateful for the help my wonderful Aunt, Mom and husband have contributed.

All along I’ve been bemoaning my status as an only child during a family crisis, saying “I need at least three sisters to help me dig out of this.” And while I can’t conjure up sisters, I have found that professional organizers are angels who will show up to pull you out of a quagmire in your hour of need. It took over 80 woman•hours to downsize, pack and move Dad’s house. I could not have done that on my own–not only would it have taken much longer, it would have been an impossible task, as the three organizers I worked with made it go more quickly and smoothly, and eased the emotional burden and stress on me. For example, they went through every single scrap of paper in the house, organized them and filed them, showing me only the items they had questions about. Paperwork is my own personal weakness, so that task alone would have left me huddled in a corner crying after one day, but Deb Zechini stuck it out patiently for over three days!

So huge thanks go out to Marsha Stayer, Stefanie Watkins, and Debbie Zechini who were there for me. Talk about showing up, rolling up their sleeves, and jumping in–they did it. Marsha had a great knack for saying “We’re almost there” and “This is the fun part,” just when I felt like I was completely out of gas.

If you ever need help, invest in this vital service! It is well worth it! Marsha, Stefanie and Debbie were my “sisters in arms” working together as a team just when I needed help the most. I guess that’s how we get through any crisis. Whether it’s friends, family or experts, you need to find those people who will lock arms with you, dive in, and stick it out until you figure out where you need to go next, and how to get there.

As for the rest of my month, July? Still a bit of chaos, but I am trying not to lose faith or collapse from exhaustion just as things are looking up. I have one professional event that I am looking forward to, and then I will take off a couple of weeks at the end of the month for the long-awaited recharge I have promised myself and my family.

It is strange how life deals you just as much as you can handle: way back on Friday March 26th, I hit “publish” on Courageous Parents, Confident Kids. That night I got together with my Dad at a family event, and realized he wasn’t his usual self, which started the ball rolling on the health concerns that led up to June 4th. So I have not had a real mental rest in a long time. People have been telling me “be sure to take care of yourself,” yet for a while that has not seemed feasible. But as I wrote in my Top 10 Courage Boosters:

When it comes to self care, remember that as a parent, you are a first responder to many urgent situations. You need to keep your batteries charged because you could face a new challenge at any time. And, taking care of yourself will make you a better parent. And, most of all, you deserve it! (I have found that many Moms need at least 3 reasons to make self care a priority!)

Message to self, received, loud and clear.