Mojo Mom on TODAYMoms blog: Setting respectful (and respected) holiday boundaries
Being forced to give Great Aunt Edna a kiss is almost a childhood rite of passage. But is it harmless? Contributor Amy Tiemann says we send kids the wrong message when we make them show affection against their will.
I am proud of my latest post for the TODAYMoms blog, inspired by and written in conjunction with the experts at Kidpower. It would be great if you’d add comments to the TODAY Moms blog and recommend the article if you like it.
I know this is a provocative topic because I’ve talked to many groups about this issue. I know that a wide variety of cultures see showing affection to elders as showing respect. But I’d ask you to think about other kids can show respect while at the same time setting clear family rules that define affectionate touch as a choice–including hugging and kissing Grandma.
Scientific proof of lost mojo!
I am a big fan of the book Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard. It was one of the first books I read in 2010 and ended up being one of the best. Moms need to manage change all the time so I highly recommend the book–for more details you can check out my full Amazon review.
But for now I am thinking of Switch because I came across an online post by Dan Heath reminding us that Self-Control is Exhaustible. Yes, that’s scientific proof that a heavy requirement for self-control in one area exhausts us in other areas. This video in Dan Heath’s Fast Company post explains this phenomenon.
For me this is a helpful reminder that what looks like laziness is often exhaustion. What a reassuring thought–one that can save us from piling on self-criticism when we are going through tough times.
So what’s the solution? For me right now I have to honor the fact that life is complicated and really tiring. That may mean it is important to curl up in bed with a good book on a Saturday afternoon or take a nap, rather than squeezing in one more activity. When I was two years into being a Mom I had accumulated a “sleep debt” that I literally had to pay back by going to bed at 9:30 every night for several months. After all I have gone through this year I am experiencing a different kind of energy debt, one that I am trying to recharge by allowing myself to rest and making sure spend a little bit of time each day doing things that are really for myself, even if it’s just playing piano for 15 minutes each day.
We all know that holiday season itself can be overstimulating, so I wish you peace as you navigate the next couple of weeks that are far from a normal time of year no matter how you slice it.
Wishing Elizabeth Edwards peace
Chapel Hill and Raleigh are mourning the passing of Elizabeth Edwards this week. I’ve been surprised to see how her death has become national news as well. She was a beloved member of the community here in the Triangle. I had met her several times and found her to be a friendly and caring person. She was smart and passionate about public policy, and at the same time she really was another Mom you would run into at Target. I also have to admit I feel awkward writing about her because I became a truly disappointed and disillusioned John Edwards supporter after his campaign unraveled as a result of his own actions. But today my thoughts and prayers go out to the whole Edwards family, especially Elizabeth’s three grieving children. I know we’re all thinking about her young children, Emma Claire and Jack, who have lost their Mom, but I am sure her oldest daughter Cate will be going through an unbelievably hard time as well.
Meghan O’Rourke wrote a moving piece on Slate.com, “Elizabeth’s Legacy,” which I highly recommend.
I also connected with “Elizabeth Edwards made wise choice to go home” on CNN.com, about dying at home rather than in the hospital. We are so used to thinking about the fight and battle against cancer, that sometimes we forget that when the time comes to let go, it can be much more comforting to travel that path at home. My mother was on hospice care for the final three weeks of her life, and while I had heard good things about hospice, it was all in the abstract until I went through this experience with her. Having a team of nurses and a social worker focus only on her comfort, care and safety, on her terms, was a remarkable gift. Hospitals are the place to be if you have a chance to get better, but not a comfortable, familiar, peaceful environment to be in to pass on.
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As for the cruel, intolerant people who are planning to disrupt Elizabeth’s funeral, I hate to even write about them, but the good news is in the counter-response. The Raleigh News & Observer reports today that there are up to 10 picketers registered and about 200 counter-picketers who will show up to form a protective shield around the church where Elizabeth’s memorial service will be taking place. I hope it will all stay very peaceful and that the Edwards-Anania families can grieve and pay their respects to Elizabeth, surrounded by friends and a supportive community.
What if you are grieving through the holidays?
This whole fall, and especially since Thanksgiving, I’ve been thinking a lot about how to get through our first holidays without my Mom. I am posting a picture of us together at my Mojo Mom book launch in April 2009 to cheer myself up a little bit. I was really proud to have her be able to attend my author talk. She often babysat my daughter while I did my book talks, so it was really special to have her come to an event. This is one of my favorite pictures of us together:
To get through Thanksgiving I focused on being thankful for the family who were able to be with us, while remembering those whom we’ve lost. But what I am learning about grief is that it does not follow a timeline that is like most other things in society. We’re so used to experiencing events, or going through seasons, then moving on, lightning-quick. These days, the Christmas aisle is fully set up the day after Halloween, if not before! It has long been a pet peeve of mine that grinding consumerism creates a nearly unbroken cycle of spending and candy. (Remember when candy was an actual holiday treat?) But this year my emotional state is what is dominating my landscape, as I realize that grief will be a long process that needs to be honored and not rushed. I am trying to create a meaningful holiday without forcing myself to feel or act “jolly.” One part of that is conserving my energy and acknowledging that I already have a lot on my plate. The second part is figuring out what my family really does want to do to celebrate Christmas, and I to be honest I have not made a lot of progress on that one yet.
Since I need guidance more than I am able to create it this season, I wanted to share the following advice from Project Compassion a non-profit organization in based in Chapel Hill, NC, that creates community and provides innovative support for people living with serious illness, caregiving, end of life and grief. This piece is reprinted with their permission:
Hope for the Holidays: Living with Grief
The holidays are a traditionally seen as a time of joy and laughter, sparkle and glitter, sharing and gift-giving. But for people who are grieving, the holidays may be a time of mixed emotions, feelings of being overwhelmed with multiple demands, and a renewed reminder of losses. As the holidays approach, consider about how you take care of yourself during this time.
Helpful Hints for the Holidays
1. Acknowledge the Energy Needed for Grief
Adjustment to the death or dying of someone close to you does not simply come with time. The work of grief demands that you deal with all the feelings that loss engenders. This work takes psychic and physical energy that can leave you unable to deal with the extra demands of the holiday season.
2. Allow Yourself To Be Human
Avoid perfectionist expectations during the holidays. Let some things slide. If you really want to do all the cooking and baking, let the dusting go. Enlist the aid of others “in the holiday spirit of sharing.” You do not have to do it all yourself this time.
3. Plan Ahead
Sit down with your family and friends ahead of time to discuss and decide those activities, experiences, and people that make the holidays special for you. Decide to do a few special things with a few special people, not everything with everybody.
4. Set Limits
Tell your family, friends, and yourself now- and continue to remind them- that you are on a stress reduction diet this holiday season. You will not be over-doing, over-shopping, over-cooking, over-complying or over-worrying this year. Put a sign on your bathroom mirror or refrigerator to remind yourself or others.
5. Change Shoulds To Wants
Be aware of your own statements to yourself. Are you saying “I should do this or that”? Decide which of your “shoulds” you really want to do and make those your priorities. Remember: You should not “should” yourself. There are enough other people doing that already.
6. Strive For A Balanced Lifestyle
With all the parties and demands of the holidays, it is difficult for anyone to get enough rest and exercise. It is easy to overindulge. Set exercise, relaxation and self-care as a priority
7. Tell Others Clearly What You Want And Need For The Holidays
Do not be shy or embarrassed to let others know what you want from them in terms of emotional support, help, or sharing. Unknown expectations generally go unfulfilled and lead to disappointment and bad feelings.
8. Honor The Old/Create The New
This holiday time may not be like previous ones. But what will it e like? Realistically, this may be the last holiday with your ill family member. How can you make it the best?
If this is the first holiday time without your family member, include your deceased loved one to the extent that you can; the memory of him or her will be with you this holiday season no matter what you do. Consider giving gifts in acknowledgement of the person you are remembering. Consider giving love to others in honor of the love you have received. Only you can put the joy into the holidays.
9. Be Generous To Yourself
The holidays are a time of real and symbolic gift-giving. What are you giving yourself this season? When the new year rolls in, what will be your answer to the question, “What supportive and caring things did I do for myself this holiday season?”
10. Celebrate Life
It seems impossible for someone in grief to find joy and peace at any time, but especially during the season for joy and peace. This is your challenge. Life is worth living only to the extent that we make it so. Survivorship means more than merely surviving, it means fully living. Search for the living path for you and start now!
If you are grieving this holiday, I wish you solace and peace, and please know that you are not alone.
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