Doing Right by Our Kids–empowering parents to be child safety and abuse prevention advocates

It has taken me a few weeks to get my feet on the ground in the New Year, but I am excited about 2012. I an writing a new book with Kidpower co-founder Irene van der Zande, Doing Right by Our Kids: Protecting Child Safety at All Levels of Society. I have been doing much of my blogging over at www.DoingRightByOurKids.com and I encourage you to follow my evolving work there, as Irene and I craft a new book and involve readers in the process. We just can’t wait to start sharing key skills and information with you, so online outreach will pave the way for the book.

Irene and I have been committed to the core idea of “Protecting Child Safety at All Levels of Society” from the inception of this project, but it was a bit hard to explain until the Penn State abuse scandal broke last fall. Now people understand why parents need to know what to do to prevent abuse AND that schools, faith communities, sports teams, and all child-serving organizations need to be actively involved as well. Secrecy and silence is so much a part of the cultural umbrella that allows abuse to happen that I have truly come to believe that if you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem. Doing Right by Our Kids will give you many tools to be part of the solution and to gather allies to create grassroots pressure “up” the ladder of command when you need organizations to be more aware and involved. We empower kids as well, drawing on the skills that Kidpower has already taught to over two million people worldwide, and beyond that, the new book will emphasize the organizational change and cultural change that is needed to allow children to truly move with safety and confidence through society.

One thing I really love about Kidpower is that it is so positive. I don’t think I could spend years of my life just fighting against a negative. Working as a Kidpower instructor allows me to fight against abuse while teaching kids safety skills in a positive, effective, realistic way that operates through success rather than fear. I highly recommend Kidpower workshops for EVERYONE. However, this year I am stepping back from my own role of teaching workshops in order to write the news book and create other resources that can reach hundreds and thousands of people at once, rather than 10-20 people at a time. Our book project is evolving at a good time, as Kidpower has launched the One Million Safer Kids Campaign, which DoingRightByOurKids.com is participating in as an official partner.

Since last July, the campaign has already reached over 155,000 children!

So keep your eyes on MojoMom.com for news and updates related to all of my work–I will be doing a renovation to the website for 2012 to bring all my writing and teaching interests into one site. And in the meantime, I hope you will check out what we are offering through DoingRightByOurKids.com and all the resources offered by Kidpower’s One Million Safer Kids campaign.

No Forced Kisses for Your Kids: A Holiday Safety Tip for Families

Cross posted from the blog at DoingRightByOurKids.com, my new site co-created with Kidpower Executive Director Irene van der Zande.

As parents well know, the holiday season is both incredibly exciting and potentially overwhelming for kids, sometimes all rolled together into one. At gatherings with families and friends, expectations about affection, attention, and teasing can create unnecessary stress and discomfort. By accepting our children’s different personalities and thinking through our boundaries ahead of time, we can teach our kids important life skills and make holiday parties and reunions more fun.

Most of us can remember being pressured to just “suffer through it” from our own childhoods. Who doesn’t recall being forced to kiss “Great Aunt Edna” as a kid, or getting scratched by Uncle Bob’s beard as he leaned in for a squeeze? Or, being told to just ignore the teasing and roughhousing of our cousins?

As a mother, I can relate to the embarrassment that a parent might feel when a child doesn’t want to give a big hug to Grandma when she walks in the door—especially if Grandma has been eagerly anticipating the visit for weeks and months. But through my work teaching personal safety as a Kidpower instructor, I have learned that supporting our children when they set boundaries is a very important practice.

Backing up a child who doesn’t want to be kissed or hugged does not mean that Grandma, or Great Aunt Edna, or Uncle Bob or Cousin Sara are doing anything wrong, but it does demonstrate that touch and play for affection or fun is your child’s choice in all situations. The holidays are a perfect time to work on “boundary setting” with our kids, so they feel confident and empowered as they move through different ages and stages of life.

When possible, try to bring relatives into this conversation ahead of time, letting them know that you are practicing with the kids to help them learn to set boundaries—and who better to practice with than people who know and care about the kids. That way, when a child sets a boundary with Grandma, she can feel that she’s part of a positive practice rather than left out. Some parents report that this is a difficult conversation to have, but I maintain that is an important one, and an opportunity for meaningful dialogue and exploration. Many parents feel that their culture has expectations the children show adults respect through affection. At Kidpower, we have found that this is truly a cross-cultural phenemonea across a wide variety of backgrounds, and an issue that is worth addressing: how can we come up with ways for children to show respect to ther elders in ways that feel nurturing and respectful to the child as well? One point I like to emphasize about child safety is to ask “How can we expect our children to set clear boundaries about touch when they are on their own, if we do not support them in doing so when we are together with our families, standing right there in a position to advocate for our kids and back them up?” In practice, this may be as simple (yet powerful) as saying, “Do you want to give Grandma a hug, a high-five, a kiss, or a wave? ….Not right now? Okay… Maybe you’ll want to blow a kiss or do a high-five later.”

Some kids are social butterflies and will thrive on the opportunities to be the center of attention. Be prepared to help them to notice the boundaries of others and to remember to follow your safety rules about Checking First before changing the plan, even in a family gathering. Other children are more reserved and are best off being allowed to warm up at their own pace. They might need your involved advocacy to redirect unwanted attention away from them and your help in setting boundaries when well-meaning adults try to pressure them.

Even if a relative is offended when a child does not want to kiss or hug them, this is an important time to keep in mind the bottom line—kids need to learn from an early age that touch or play for affection and fun should be the choice of BOTH people, safe, allowed by the adults in charge, and not a secret. These core safety rule should be respected in all situations.

Touch or play for affection and fun should be the choice of BOTH people, safe, allowed by the adults in charge, and not a secret.

It’s confusing for kids to try to set aside their feelings of discomfort for certain kinds of affection or teasing in the name of good manners, since it gives young people a contradictory message about their boundaries. Keep in mind Kidpower’s founding principle: A child’s safety and healthy self-esteem are more important than ANYONE’s embarrassment, inconvenience, or offense. Or, more simply stated: Put Safety First.

Here are additional Kidpower resources about how to use boundaries to make our holiday gatherings truly joyful:

Holiday Boundaries: Protecting Children’s Boundaries and Helping Others Do the Same

Why Affection and Teasing Should be a Child’s Choice [link to: http://www.kidpower.org/resources/articles/childs-choice.html]

Holiday Power – Take Charge of Emotional Safety During the Holidays

Amazon.com needs to add parental controls to the new Kindle Fire

I just set up the new Kindle Fire from Amazon.com and one of the first things I noticed while trying it out is that the new “free streaming video” feature for Amazon Prime customers does not have parental controls. R-rated movies and are available for unlimited free instant download. On the television offerings, you have Sesame Street and Arthur available alongside Lost, 24 and HBO shows like The Tudors. This programming is available without any login or password as long as the Kindle Fire is registered to an Amazon.com Prime customer. With this device, Amazon has gone beyond making an e-reader to take on the tablet computer market by offering and attractive $199 competitor to the iPad.

Amazon needs to make customizable parental controls available to sort this all out in a common-sense way. Lost is my favorite series of all time but it doesn’t mean I think my kid is ready to watch it. I am all for free streaming video but make it possible for to me organize content in a way that makes sense for my family! This is not rocket science and am I disappointed that Amazon is so behind the curve on this one, possibly in the rush to get the Kindle Fire to market for the early waves of holiday shopping. Here is the email I just sent to Amazon.com customer service:

Dear Amazon, I have owned every generation of Kindle device and I rely on it for many purposes, including family reading at home and while traveling. My daughter owns dozens of young adult books for Kindle. After buying the Kindle Fire and playing with it, one of the first things I noticed is that the free streaming video for Amazon Prime customers includes many R-rated movies, available for immediate download. You need to add customizable parental controls to the Kindle Fire. I can’t give it to my daughter with confidence if she’s going to have access to this content when she is reading on her own. There are likely other similar issues with the device that you need to work through as soon as possible. I would suggest a software solution that allows owners to create individual profiles for each user, with password protection and different levels of privileges, including books, video, and internet access (on or off), as well as the ability to purchase products or not.

I am disappointed that you did not think of this before the initial product release, but I will not give the Kindle Fire an instant negative customer review because of it, because I have confidence that you can and will address this problem with a software update.

You deserve a lot of credit for creating, in Kindle, a device that has become an integral part of our family’s life in the last few years. Please take seriously your opportunity and responsibility to keep it that way. I would give my daughter a book to read in private; I would not allow her to have a computer or TV with private access in her bedroom. You need to allow customers to have control of the device, to partition its many functions for family use.

I look forward to your reply, and future action.

Sincerely,

Amy Tiemann, Ph. D.

Prolific Amazon.com customer since 1996, Vine Voice, author, and creator of MojoMom.com and DoingRightByOurKids.com

Cross posted from the DoingRightByOurKids.com blog.

Stay Aware: The Halloween “Trick” that will “Treat” you and your family to safety all year long

As part of its One Million Safer Kids project, Kidpower is reminding parents that the trick to having a fun, safe Halloween is to Stay Aware and to teach your children to do the same. As adults, we need to Stay Aware that:

• Safety does not take a holiday. Don’t let the relaxed atmosphere and distractions of holiday activities fool you into getting trapped by the “Illusion of Safety.” Stay aware of where your children are, whom they are with, and what they are doing.

• Kids need to be reminded of their safety rules. Last Halloween was a year ago, and that’s a long time in the life of a child. Review the rules about trick or treating with your children – and have them repeat the rules back to you. Remind kids to Stay Aware, Stay Together, Check First before they change their plan, and Think First if you are not available. Give kids a plan for how to get help if they get lost.

• People are safer crossing the street when they can see well. Avoid costumes that make it hard to Stay Aware of cars and other hazards.

• Kids need adult supervision to stay safe. Even if your kids really want to, don’t let them go out without adult protection until they have the knowledge and skills they need to take charge of their emotional and physical safety.

• Giving the right answer is not the same as being prepared to make the safest choice. Just knowing what to do is not enough – you also have to be able to do it even if you feel embarrassed, confused, or uncomfortable. Give children and teens opportunities to practice personal safety skills successfully, and show you that they can use them consistently before deciding to let them go anywhere on their own.

For more information, read the full article, Halloween Safety ~ The Kidpower Way: A Grab Bag of Safety Treats and Tricks for Your Family!

And, learn how you can make a difference by joining Kidpower’s new One Million Safer Kids campaign.

I am proud to announce that www.DoingRightByOurKids.com, my online collaboration with Kidpower co-founder Irene van der Zande, is an official partner of the One Million Safer Kids campaign. I hope MojoMom.com readers will also join in the effort!

What you need to know about Fracking in 400 words or less

My previous Mojo Mom blog post was the long version of just about everything I have learned about fracking and why you should care. Here is the nutshell version in 400 words and four illustrations.

This brief description of fracking is adapted from a job description posted by the Citizens Campaign for the Environment in New York State. (Photos and links were added by me):

What is Hydro-Fracking?

To recover natural gas deposits in shale formations…the industry uses a process termed high volume hydraulic fracturing, which uses millions of gallons of water, laced with a cocktail of chemicals, to fracture shale and release gas.

Inherent Risks of Hydro-Fracking

Hydro-fracking activities operate 24 hours a day, 7 days a week during production. Volumes of toxic, radioactive, and caustic liquid waste by-products pose storage, treatment, and disposal problems. Regular operations, as well as accidents can adversely impact the environment and public health. Especially problematic is the lack of federal protection for drinking water, air quality, water treatment infrastructure, and landowner liability.

A shale-gas drilling and fracking site in Dimock, Pennsylvania. Photo by Jacques del Conte

Communities from Texas to Pennsylvania have already been impacted from industrial hydro-fracking operations. A peer reviewed study published in the National Academy of Science found water wells near gas wells had 17 times higher methane levels. Families in Dimock, PA live with drinking water contaminated with methane and heavy metals. Blowouts from gas wells have spewed liquid fracking waste into the air and into local streams.

Primary concerns include human and environmental exposure to:

• Radioactivity that is a physical characteristic of Marcellus shale.
• The hazardous cocktail of hydro-fracking chemicals injected into the ground.
• Air pollution from diesel engines, compressor stations, and flaring.
• Brine that is 5x saltier than seawater that can damage freshwater streams and lakes, as well as corrode infrastructure.
• Hazardous liquid and solid waste that is stored on-site, transported on public roads, and disposed of at municipal landfills or sewage treatment plants.

Susan Wallace-Babb, wearing the oxygen mask she has to wear almost every day outside, walks with her dog at home in Winnsboro, Texas, on Sept. 12, 2011. (Erin Trieb for ProPublica)

***

Anti-fracking action seems to be taking place on the state or local level, so consult your local environmental and clean-water organizations to learn more about fracking where you live.

Why you need to know about Fracking — it may be coming to a field or neighborhood near you

Ground-level view of a natural gas well fracking operation

Have you heard about “fracking”? Hydraulic fracturing, also known as hyrdofracking or simply fracking, is a form of natural gas mining that has wells popping up in many regions across the United States. One of the hotbeds of activity is in northeastern Pennsylvania, where the discovery of the Marcellus Shale gas deposits has transformed quiet rural communities into gas boom towns, much to the dismay and regret of many residents.

Marcellus Shale gas wells of Bradford County, Pennsylvania

Photo from the Gas Wells Are Not Our Friends blog, Bradford County, Pennsylvania.

The natural gas industry would like to paint this mining technique as an economic boom and an alternative to foreign oil. Environmentalists are raising significant questions about the dangers of this mining activity and the lack of regulation that the industry is subject to. Also, like oil and coal, “natural gas” is a fossil fuel that creates greenhouse gases (carbon dioxide) when burned, so it’s not getting us away from fuels that contribute to global warming. In fact, methane itself is a potent greenhouse gas, 20 times more effective in trapping heat in the atmosphere than carbon dioxide, so reducing direct methane emissions is an important environmental concern.

Natural gas is a gas consisting primarily of methane….Before natural gas can be used as a fuel, it must undergo processing to remove almost all materials other than methane. The by-products of that processing include ethane, propane, butanes, pentanes, and higher molecular weight hydrocarbons, elemental sulfur, carbon dioxide, water vapor, and sometimes helium and nitrogen.

Fracking is an issue that could affect your water supply and environment. Based on what I have learned so far, fracking is a potentially damaging and dangerous activity that is not regulated or researched nearly stringently enough given the potential damages it could cause.

A legal term for this is that fracking creates “negative externalities”–as in, the gas companies can come in, frack away and create great damage, messes and problems that the industry is not responsible for cleaning up. (The opposite of the “Pottery Barn” doctrine, “you break it, you buy it.”)

I am sharing this on the Mojo Mom blog because this issue affects millions of people across the nation and yet it is an issue that is just making its way onto the public’s consciousness. The independent film Gasland has helped get the story out. But the natural gas industry is moving very quickly to secure gas leases across the country, even in places where fracking is currently illegal, and is putting in wells at an alarming rate where they can.

Next time you read a national magazine or newspaper, keep an eye out for industry ads. Oil companies and their trade group have invested heavily in campaign contributions and lobbying. The oil and natural gas sector has bankrolled $347 million on lobbying since 2008, according to the Center for Responsive Politics.

The pro-gas ads have become prevalent here in North Carolina where fracking is currently illegal, and citizens are working hard to keep it that way while the Natural Gas industry pressures state legislators to change the law.

There is so much to share on this subject that it’s very hard to keep it brief, but my goal is to write a short primer on fracking and share more resources (and references) at the end of this post. [This post ended up being quite long but I will create a short excerpt too!]

What is fracking?

Fracking cross-section

Hydraulic fracturing is a method of mining natural gas from shale deposits located thousands of feet below ground level. A well is drilled straight down for a mile and then the drill turns 90 degrees and proceeds to drill horizontally for another couple of miles. Then high pressure fluid, a million gallons of water mixed with proprietary fracking fluids per “frack,” are injected into the ground to create fractures that will release the methane gas which is then collected. Sand or other materials are also injected to keep the fracture from closing up.

Fracturing is necessary because in these formations, the gas is trapped in the shale and it has to be disrupted by micro-earthquakes and fractures to release the gas.

My first common sense concern about this idea is to wonder what happens when you put thousands or millions of new fractures into the ground beneath our feet? The geological impact of this is not well studied, but to me it seems like a terrible idea to literally undermine the ground we walk on in this way.

Could fracking activity have caused the recent magnitude 5.8 East Coast earthquake? A very good question, and the United States Geological Service says that:

Earthquakes induced by human activity have been documented in a few locations in the United States, Japan, and Canada. The cause was injection of fluids into deep wells for waste disposal and secondary recovery of oil, and the use of reservoirs for water supplies. Most of these earthquakes were minor. The largest and most widely known resulted from fluid injection at the Rocky Mountain Arsenal near Denver, Colorado. In 1967, an earthquake of magnitude 5.5 followed a series of smaller earthquakes. Injection had been discontinued at the site in the previous year once the link between the fluid injection and the earlier series of earthquakes was established.

Where is all that water going to come from and where will it go after it is turned into industrial waste?

Wastewater disposal wells have also been blamed for giant sinkholes that have put towns like Daisetta Texas “on shaky ground.” When you put a million gallons of water, fracking fluid, and sand into a well, you get a lot of that flowing back to the surface (30% -50%), and that now-contaminated water has to go somewhere. Plus, where are we going to get those MANY millions of gallons of water from? Remember, it takes a million+ gallons of water PER WELL. Other uses, even something that sounds luxurious like watering a golf course, do return water into the ecosystem and water cycle. But with fracking, the water goes into the well and what comes out must be treated as waste and disposed of, through methods including in waste injection wells, being evaporated into the air (releasing volatile organic compounds), or being absorbed with sawdust and put into a landfill.

What are contamination issues with groundwater?

Contaminated drinking water can be set aflame as it comes out of the faucet

The natural gas industry is fond of saying that there is no scientific proof that fracking fluids contaminate ground water (drinking water). But the gas industry is less likely to point out there there IS scientific evidence that fracking does contaminate drinking water wells with methane, up to one kilometer away–leading levels of methane that are exceeding action level for hazard mitigation defined by the US Department of the Interior. And there could be more pollution of drinking water from fracking activities–including containment ponds on the ground surface. There is active research being done in this area right now, including taking baseline measurements of ground water, which the gas industry was not required to do before installing wells. It could take ten years to do all the research needed to determine whether and how fracking could be done safely, and by that point the damage will be done. Why isn’t the burden incumbent on the gas industry to prove that fracking is safe BEFORE they do it? Good question!

How un-regulated is the fracking industry?

Federal regulation is very weak. Fracking is not subject to the Clean Air Act or the Clean Drinking Water Act, thanks to legislation by the Bush/Cheney administration that specifically exempts the industry from these regulations—commonly called the Halliburton Loophole.

In North Carolina, our new Republican-majority state legislature changed state law so that state-mandated regulations cannot be stricter than federal legislation, meaning that the industry cannot be subject to state regulations that would make up for the lax federal oversight. To me that is an absolute dealbreaker right there, yet this same Legislature is actively exploring and in many cases promoting fracking interests.

What are other social costs of fracking?

Turning a rural agricultural community into a gas boom town is an ugly business. In Pennsylvania, farmers who regret signing gas leases have reported that their farms are burdened by more mining-related equipment than they expected, including well pads, compression stations and wastewater impoundment ponds that impede their ability to farm their land. Streets have been damaged by heavy truck traffic to the point where roads are impassable for two weeks. Longtime residents of Bradford County say that the gas industry brought to town divorce, crime, full jails, traffic jams, a housing shortage with increased rent from $200 to $5000 a month, displacing long-time residents; contaminated beef, farmland that needs massive work to be reclaimed, loss of tourism due to dead zones that no one wants to come visit anymore. Trees are seen as a nuisance and are being chipped and not even used for timber.

The heart of the tragedy keeps coming back to environmental damage and health hazards. From the Vanity Fair article, “A Colossal Fracking Mess,” June 21, 2010:

The real shock that Dimock [Pennsylvania] has undergone, however, is in the aquifer that residents rely on for their fresh water. Dimock is now known as the place where, over the past two years, people’s water started turning brown and making them sick, one woman’s water well spontaneously combusted, and horses and pets mysteriously began to lose their hair.

The former mayor of DISH Texas, Calvin Tillman, now working with shaletest.org, moved out of his town after his young sons started to get nosebleeds at night. An air quality study found multiple human carcinogens in the air. Tillman sold his home at a loss and required that the buyers watch Gasland as a condition of the sale.

What about jobs and the economy?

The costs of cleaning up after fracking are heavily borne by local or state governments who are unprepared to take on these problems.

In Pennsylvania, some operators have shipped the discharge to wastewater treatment plants. But these plants can’t handle or even detect many of the types of chemicals and salts and, in some cases, naturally occurring radioactivity. In Pittsburgh, radioactive material from discharge passed through a city treatment plant and wound up in the drinking water supply.

Landowners who leased their land for mining may end up being held liable for environmental damage in neighboring areas.

There are jobs to be had, primarily commercial truck driving and specialty jobs as welders or technicians in the industry–jobs that local residents may not qualify for.

Someone will make a quick buck on all this activity but we should not be willing to sell out our communities for a gas boom that lasts a decade or so. When the boom is over local people will likely be left with a painful economic bust and the job of cleaning up severe, even epic, environmental impacts. (The question of who in your state stands to make money, besides the gas industry itself, is an important one to investigate because that will help you identify sources of political pressure.)

I highly recommend you read blogs of local communities in Pennsylvania and Texas to learn more, and take a close look at the impacts that are already taking place, and the intense leaser’s remorse being experienced in many communities. This photo from “Bob’s Blog” telling the story of fracking near Hickory, in Washington County Pennsylvania, really caught my attention:

And if you are an urban citizen and think that this doesn’t affect you, think again. The Delaware River used to be clean, and now it is has been designated America’s most threatened river. And, oh yeah, it happens to be a major drinking water source for Philadelphia, New York City and New Jersey. More than 15 million people get their drinking water from the Delaware River’s once-pristine watershed.

This affects all of us and we need to educate ourselves about fracking and get involved in our state. Learn from what others have gone through. This is truly one of those issues that I can’t stand by and watch passively–my daughter would never forgive me. North Carolina doesn’t even show up on this map of shale gas plays in the continental USA, but our relatively small “Triassic Basin” deposits–small on this map but affecting 14 counties here at home in NC–are enough to generate a lot of interest. The heart of this deposit lies close to the Shearon Harris nuclear power plant and Jordan Lake, the drinking water supply for Raleigh, not to mention acres of precious farmland. If we screw all this up with fracking, we are truly reckless and unable to learn from history or other communities’ mistakes.

If not otherwise noted or linked, facts cited in this article are from my notes taken at the “Don’t Rush to Frack Summit” sponsored by Clean Water for North Carolina on September 10, 2011 in Pittsboro North Carolina. This four-hour meeting featured in-person talks by Dr. Avner Vengosh, one of the researchers from the Duke University study that found methane contamination of drinking water wells; Carol French and Carolyn Knapp, dairy farmers from Bradford County PA; Jordan Treakle of the Rural Advancement Foundation International (RAFI); Dr. Simona Perry of RPI who studied sociological impacts of fracking on communities; Calivn Tillman, former mayor of DISH Texas and founder of Shaletest.org, and Ryke Longest and Jennifer Hayes of Duke University Law speaking about the NC Legal and Regulatory Control of Natural Gas Exploration.

Additional references and resources:

Expert: State regulation of fracking crucial by Laura Leslie on WRAL.com. An interview with scientist Professor Robert Jackson is Nicholas Chair of Global Environmental Change at Duke. Jackson is one of the authors of the first peer-reviewed study to measure well-water contamination from shale-gas drilling and hydrofracking.

Despite the dangers of fracking, North Carolina lawmakers want to legalize it by Lisa Sorg, Indyweek.com.

North Carolina legislature considers hydraulic fracturing by Memet Walker, The Daily Tar Heel, September 20, 2011.

The top ten most surprising things I learned at the [Pittsboro NC] Fracking Summit by Tara, blogger on Progressive Democrats of North Carolina.

ProPublica reporting by Abram Lustgarten, Science Lags as Health Problems Emerge Near Gas Fields, September 16, 2011.

Fresh Air with Terry Gross interview with Abram Lustgarten, September 29, 2011.

Game Changer episode of This American Life, July 8, 2011, tells of environmental problems near Pittsburgh and other parts of Pennsylvania, and the complicated relationship between Penn State University and the methane gas industry.

This post is already very long, so I don’t want to go into this issue in detail, but it’s worth knowing that in North Dakota, natural gas is being burned off every day in large quantities:

In North Dakota, Flames of Wasted Natural Gas Light the Prairie,
New York Times, September 26, 2011

The gas bubbles up alongside the far more valuable oil, and with less economic incentive to capture it, the drillers treat the gas as waste and simply burn it. Every day, more than 100 million cubic feet of natural gas is flared this way — enough energy to heat half a million homes for a day.

What do Mom bloggers do when their kids grow up?

That magical end-of-summer day has arrived for us–the first day of school. As Mojo Girl starts Middle School, this week feels almost as much like graduation as it does a new beginning (I guess that is why they also call it Commencement). I am relieved, happy, and yes, feeling bittersweet as I see my daughter growing up so quickly. The last two years feel like a time-lapse movie of development stuck on fast-forward. The other day my family was at a store together and as I caught a glimpse of Mojo Girl across the room, it took me a moment to pick her out among the crowd of adults. She’s that much more grown up all of a sudden. When we talk about seeing “eye to eye,” it’s almost true on a literal level now!

So all this brings up a question that has been on my mind all summer, “What do motherhood bloggers do when their kids grow up?” In many ways I feel ready to declare my own personal graduation from motherhood blogging. I don’t see this as better or worse, but just honestly the next step in where I am right now in own my life. It is impossible to hold on to the early years of motherhood forever, and I don’t want to try. I feel like I have been at this for quite a long time, writing about motherhood for the past eight years, and now it’s time for the next generation of Moms to start looking at the same issues though their own unique lenses.

Back when I came up with the idea for Mojo Mom, my daughter had started three-year old preschool, and blogging hadn’t even been widely adopted yet. When I started my website I posted “occasional articles” that had to be uploaded by my website developer. I embraced Blogger as a writing platform as soon as I learned about it, and my first Mojo Mom blog post was September 13, 2003.

As one of the early motherhood bloggers on the scene myself, I have had the chance to know and follow many talented writers, wondering and watching to see what my fellow bloggers do as their kids grow up. Two of my favorite writers, Karen Maezen Miller and Joanne Bamberger, have daughters about the same age as mine, and I can see them evolving and moving forward too. Karen’s first book was Momma Zen, and her new book is a Zen memoir Hand Wash Cold: Care Instructions for an Ordinary Life, which addresses her parenting life but is not focused on it. Her author website has also progressed from a Momma Zen “Cheerio Road” focus, to a more holistic KarenMaezenMiller.com.

Joanne Bamberger blogs as PunditMom as well as writing through MOMocrats, MomsRising, Huffington Post, and Politics Daily. This year, Joanne created the new book Mothers of Intention: How Women and Social Media are Revolutionizing Politics in America. (In a nice bit of synchronicity, Joanne contributed to Courageous Parents, Confident Kids and I contributed to Mothers of Intention.) She has come such a long way since the early days years ago when I remember she wrote her Column Quest blog (amazing how 2006 feels like The Olden Days now). She had the last laugh with column quest as she blazed a trail that transcended “old media” and shaped the landscape of New Media. And she’s kept her motherhood angle but she has ramped up and reinforced the “Pundit” aspect of her writing as she has developed impressive media credentials.

So I feel my own evolution stirring as my life changes. My daughter is a lot more independent and I don’t define myself by motherhood the way I used to. My defining question in Mojo Mom was discovering “Who am I, now that I am a Mom?” and I know the answer to that now. I am a writer, an activist for social change, a media producer–someone who has many ideas and needs to channel and focus my energies to figure out how to best move forward on all the causes I care about.

I had lunch with my friend Melinda Abrams of the other day–she is a life coach and we were getting together to talk about possible future directions for her work. As we talked over possibilities and strategies, I realized that every word that was coming out of my mouth was advice I needed to act on myself as well. So interesting to see how much more clarity we can get when we look outside our own lives and into someone else’s work–I am glad that I realized that our discussion definitely reflected back onto my own life.

So two things to share out of what I learned that day: Melinda was thinking about the age-old question of “How do I chart my own work when there is so much to do in the world–and I can’t do everything?” My answer from the heart is that each of us has to figure out the work that only we can do, what won’t get done if we don’t contribute, and put our energies there and trust that the other work will be done by other people. I don’t mean outsourcing motherhood but realizing that if I make a dedicated contribution to ending violence, I can trust that other people will work on eradicating hunger, and I don’t have to feel all the weight of the world on my shoulders. I still manage to feel that way a lot of the time anyway, but that perspective helps direct me.

Second, an image came to my mind. (I feel like I am ramping up into a creative time because I have been thinking in visual metaphors lately.) I visualized life as a treasure chest that needs to be moved forward, and all my actions as horses tethered to that chest. If I align my interests close to the same direction, I will make progress forward. Distractions go out to the side as a waste of energy, and bad habits pull backward. But the main insight I needed right now is that even if my activities are all meaningful, if they pull too much in different directions, I won’t get anywhere.

That was one of those “things that make me go Hmmmm,” and the challenge I have been thinking about all summer.

What’s next? And how do I get there? With 24 hours in the day, many family responsibilities, an active and distractible mind (a blessing and a curse when you do internet research), and the work I want to get done, how do I align those priorities in a way that makes sense? The Polaroid image is starting to develop in my mind–and MojoMom.com will continue to be part of the big picture. That is my jumping off point that I will address in my next post, “The Evolution of Mojo Mom.”

Classic Mojo Mom: Work-Life Balance, Our Ladder is up the Wrong Tree

Classic Mojo Mom: Work-Life Balance, Our Ladder is up the Wrong Tree. This post was adapted for inclusion in the new book PunditMom’s Mothers of Intention: How Women & Social Media Are Revolutionizing Politics in America, and, it remains my favorite Mojo Mom blog post of all time as well as the one that has generated the most passionate responses. So I wanted to share these thoughts again with you today in full. (Originally posted on December 18, 2006)

Work-life balance: Our ladder is up the wrong tree
by Dr. Amy Tiemann, author of Mojo Mom: Nurturing Your Self While Raising a Family and creator of MojoMom.com

All the research I have done as Mojo Mom has led me to a conclusion that I really need to share with you. As mothers trying to have an integrated life with many facets, have set our sights set on the wrong goal. Our ladder is up the wrong tree in a major way.

I am talking about “work-life balance.” This idea is everywhere, and has become a watchword for my generation, Gen X, which has put “work-life balance” on the map as our highest ideal as we negotiate with our hard-charging Boomer bosses. Although it is usually presented as a positive ideal, “balance” is a trap. I argue that rather than being our highest goal, “balance” accurately describes our current situation that asks families to do it all…on our own. Until we change our thinking on this issue, we are going to be stuck with the same set of unappetizing work-life “choices” that we are faced with now.

Think about it. Who needs balance? Jugglers, tightrope walkers….and Moms. Picture the iconic cover of a chick-lit novel, showing a woman struggling to “balance” a briefcase, cellphone. and pacifier. In real life there would most likely be a dog and stroller involved too, in addition to an actual baby. When we tell women to strive for balance, we’re really telling them to keep dancing as fast as they can. We are telling them that they are failing to keep it all together without asking for help.

“Balance” is in fact a telling metaphor for motherhood. Balance is the underappreciated sixth sense in our brains. Our sense of balance is active, dynamic, and takes a constant hum of processing and adjustment to achieve—yet this vital work barely registers in our conscious mind. We only notice it when our system fails and we are thrown into disequilibrium, left dizzy and unable to function. We couldn’t get out of bed to stand up straight and walk, much less work and lead productive lives, without our sense of balance. But when is the last time you thought of your vestibular system, not to mention stopping to thank heavens for the vital job it does?

This is just like the work that mothers provide: unpaid, uncounted, and invisible labor that forms the foundation of family life. If it were counted, women’s unpaid household labor would add an estimated one-third to the world’s annual economic product, more than $4 trillion.

So if our balancing act is a farce rather than a lofty goal, what should we be aiming for?

Support.

This needs to become our new ideal, our North Star, our guiding metaphor. The motherhood movement should aim for creating a real support network that involves everyone–employers, communities, men and women. We need a team approach to holding up the world, one that recognizes the contributions that all family caregivers make, a system that does not just expect us to make the pieces fit all by ourselves on an individual level. My Mojo Mom Mantra is to “make the invisible work visible and then divide it fairly.” We are still at the beginning of that first step, increasing awareness about what mothers and fathers contribute to society, through the sacrificial giving that is required to raise the next generation of children. Support and teamwork need to trickle up from the grassroots to a policy level. We can use this context to explain the motherhood movement to our supporters and skeptics alike.

I learned a lesson about support recently. I had ordered a giant beanbag chair called a Foof Cube for our home. My 7 year old knew a good thing when she saw it. Within a day of its arrival she had commandeered it for her bed, and she’s been sleeping in it every night since then. Kids are great at taking what they need.

I am also ordering another one for myself. In the meantime, I sneak into her room during the school day and sink down into the foam cube to remind myself what support feels like. I am cradled in a snug nest. I let go, and nothing falls.

I could get used to this.

PunditMom’s Mothers of Intention

One of my favorite writers is Joanne Bamberger, aka PunditMom. Last year we collaborated on the book, Courageous Parents, Confident Kids: Letting Go So You Both Can Grow, in which Joanne authored the chapter, “Becoming a Political Parent: PunditMom on Mothers Raising Their Voices Online.”

Now, I am proud to be a contributor to Joanne’s brand new book, PunditMom’s Mothers of Intention: How Women & Social Media Are Revolutionizing Politics in America. This collection brings together voices from many political women in order to get your political mojo fired up for the 2012 elections, which suddenly seem to be just around the next corner. It’s time to open our eyes and see the effects that the 2010 elections are having on our families through our statewide and national leaders. I encourage you to particularly pay attention in to what is happening in your state government. Here in North Carolina we’re seeing how a sea change in the state government can have a startling effect on the kinds of bills coming out of our state legislature–and it’s not pretty, with attempts to slash the education budget and a dozen separate bills to curtail women’s rights. Fortunately we have a strong governor who is standing up tot these proposed changes but she can’t do it alone–her veto power is crucial but it may be over-ridden by the legislature in some cases.

My contribution to PunditMom’s new book is adapted from my favorite Mojo Mom blog post of all time, Work-life balance: Our ladder is up the wrong tree, which I will talk more about later in a separate update.

Check out Joanne Bamberger’s writing on her PunditMom site and pre-order PunditMom’s Mothers of Intention: How Women & Social Media Are Revolutionizing Politics in America on Amazon.com

Spring Cleaning

Goodbye, crime against fashion, iridescent high-heeled Candie’s shoes from the 1980′s


The past year has been very, very heavy emotionally, 2010 was like a steamroller. It has been seven months since I lost my Mom. I had faith that I would eventually feel better, but it was still as surprise when I actually stopped feeling 100% awful all the time. After six months, when the clouds started to part, I felt like telling people I had been on another planet but now I was back. So I am feeling better, which is great, but I haven’t felt like writing much, which I don’t like. There is still clearly work to be done in the recesses of my mind, but don’t confuse my relative silence for depression.

This week I took a step forward by lightening my load on a literal level, hoping it would help me generate a fresh start in my mind. At the very least I would sublimate all my grief energy into something productive. It was time for a major spring cleanup, and I finally let go of more than 1000 pounds of lifetime accumulated possessions that just we didn’t need any more.

Notice I didn’t say “junk.” My family’s stuff was still not junk to me–these were things that meant something important to us at one time, but now it was time to let go. Throughout my life, I have never lived in one house more than five years, and those moves always prompted major periodic cleanouts, so living in my current house for more than ten years has been a novel experience in accumulation. When we moved to North Carolina in 2000, I was a mother of a newly toddling baby, I expected to teach psychology or neuroscience again, and a second baby was definitely a possibility. It was being a writer than was just a twinkle in my mind’s eye and a few dozen pages of experimental writing that I had freewritten as procrastination and a creative outlet while I was supposed to be finishing my Ph. D. thesis. (That later became my first book, the young adult novel, High Water. And I did finish the thesis on time, too!)

Happiness is a warm puppy...in a newly cleaned mud room

So when we moved to North Carolina from California, I held on to all my baby clothes and gear as well as all my teaching materials and neuroscience notes and textbooks. Now felt like the first time I was truly ready to re-evaluate and LET GO. I am not going to have another baby–my own baby is now almost as tall as I am, and only a bit more than a year shy of being a teenager! I still consider myself a teacher, but I am not going to teach psychology the way I used to, or chemistry, or neuroscience. Saying goodbye to those materials was hard but it felt right. I even appreciated the fact that I was probably a better student than I mentally gave myself credit for, based on the thousands of pages of notes and papers I wrote, researched, or studied. I made sure to pull out the most complicated journal article I could find and show it to my daughter and say, “This is what I used to read every day when I was a scientist.”

So, the final tally of what we let go was more than enough to fill a small moving truck: a tied-down pickup truck bed plus a minivan load of donations, four bins of paper recycling, two bags of shredding, and an 11-yard dumpster filled to the brim with trash! Yes, the trash felt bad, like a Time magazine article about how much stuff Americans have, but at least we’re not carrying it along unnecessarily in our house any more. Part of me feels like I’ve just won The Biggest Loser: the result feels like freedom, and space to bring in new, good things into our lives.

So look at the snapshot I took of the dumpster load….goodbye, Nancy Drew Cookbook from elementary school, goodbye broken alarm clock, and gross old sneakers that weren’t nice enough for the donation pile. And goodbye, crime against fashion, iridescent high-heeled Candie’s shoes from the 1980′s. I accomplished this clean-out in two days with the help of two talented organizers. I could not have done it without them, and I would not want to try to do it on my own! If you are looking for help in the Raleigh area, I highly recommend Marsha Stayer of Stayer Organizing and Stefanie Watkins of Clever Spaces.

I am ready to move forward while staying in place here in our home, enjoying this feeling of peace and possibility.

For a compassionate, intelligent exploration of related issues of mindfulness, attention as love, and letting go, read my friend and Zen priest Karen Maezen Miller’s lovely book, “Hand Wash Cold.” Karen, your wise messages are finally starting to sink in.